Let’s be blunt: much of what appears on social media is dross. But, very occasionally, something pops up which is poignant, thought-provoking and profound. One such item was a thread recently posted on X (formerly known as Twitter) by my friend Michael Merrick.
I feel like this myself, and it really resonates with me. We don’t seem to have mates anymore. Just work colleagues and family.
During lockdown I think we all suffered. I even thought about putting an advert in the Supermarket for someone to go to the Rugby League with, doesn’t matter which team.
We’re all busy and doing any type of stuff costs money which a lot can’t afford.
That was beautiful. It’s very brave of him to be so open especially on such a toxic platform as X. Thank you for sharing with your Substack community as otherwise I would not have had the privilege of reading it.
I think your friend captures the issue very well. I sometimes wonder how much this also relates to the way we move around for work so much now, the old communities we grew up in are fading fast and little has arisen to replace them.
I would encourage Michael to find some activity or interest which he can share in the company of other men, that gives them repeated opportunities to communicate well together. Being a member of a religious community in which we very much recognise the importance of men getting together and forming good friendships - as well as women doing the same - over the years I have witnessed how vital that is for many people.
I think the suicide rate for men stems from a variety of factors, one of which is lack of friendships with other men, especially if they find themselves estranged from their wives and children. Sometimes it is blamed upon men not being able to communicate emotionally with other people, but men are very capable of such communication if they have the opportunity to do so. At times social norms about male behaviour have inhibited such communication - norms such as the old one of the 'stiff upper lip'. But men in general, at least in the Western world, have also for a long time been on the receiving end of 'toxic masculinity' indoctrination, which is also psychologically undermining. It is important for men to overcome any culturally indoctrinated discomfort or self-hatred about being men. (Such feelings are these days leading some adolescent lads to believe they should change sex, and they then go through the 'transitioning' process, very much regretting this later.)
I always think of Prince Philip's "Oh just get on with it!" Alpha male stoicism that meant Gordonstoun was perfect for him but a disaster for his much more sensitive eldest son. And the late queen's tendency to just ignore anything unpleasant - her famous ostrich tendency. And I feel Charles' whole life can be summed up in trying to get his father's approval and always failing. Hence the very reckless polo games that produced many injuries including a permanent and serious back injury that still plagues him because - God forbid - his father should see him as a wimp.
Poor Diana hoping for her mother-in-law's help with her husband's infidelity and drawing a complete blank because the Queen had turned a blind eye to far more mistresses in her own marriage and expected Diana to do the same.
No wonder Charles ended up turning to some rather dubious father substitutes like the old fraud Lauren's van der Post.
I don't know why we Brits have such a horror of expressing vulnerability or open affection but the suicide statistics are truly sobering.
Camilla is the best thing that ever happened to Charles because she gives him all the love, encouragement and sympathy he clearly needs to flourish. He is - late in life - finally a truly happy man.
Michael, society has changed, and many of the things that your dad and grandad enjoyed doing are, regrettably, dying out. What’s more, if you’re upwardly mobile and moving around for work, you’re going to lose touch with people – real touch, that is, rather than the social media substitute. I’m sorry, that’s inevitable - not just for you, but for us all.
What you need to do is count your many blessings, concentrate on enjoying life with your family, get yourself off social media (apart from Paul Embery’s Substack), and make time to do a little bit of whatever you enjoy.
And, most importantly of all, don’t go overthinking the human world which we inhabit. Yes, we can all use our time positively, by learning new things or trying to make other people happy, but in the grand scheme of the Universe, we are little more important than grains of sand.
Finally, remember this…
The older one gets, the quicker time goes, so do your best to enjoy every moment, starting from now. I know, it's not always possible but it doesn't hurt to try because, unless the Hindus are right about reincarnation, we’re a long time gone.
I feel like this myself, and it really resonates with me. We don’t seem to have mates anymore. Just work colleagues and family.
During lockdown I think we all suffered. I even thought about putting an advert in the Supermarket for someone to go to the Rugby League with, doesn’t matter which team.
We’re all busy and doing any type of stuff costs money which a lot can’t afford.
I haven’t found a mate yet, but hope to soon.
That was beautiful. It’s very brave of him to be so open especially on such a toxic platform as X. Thank you for sharing with your Substack community as otherwise I would not have had the privilege of reading it.
I think your friend captures the issue very well. I sometimes wonder how much this also relates to the way we move around for work so much now, the old communities we grew up in are fading fast and little has arisen to replace them.
I would encourage Michael to find some activity or interest which he can share in the company of other men, that gives them repeated opportunities to communicate well together. Being a member of a religious community in which we very much recognise the importance of men getting together and forming good friendships - as well as women doing the same - over the years I have witnessed how vital that is for many people.
I think the suicide rate for men stems from a variety of factors, one of which is lack of friendships with other men, especially if they find themselves estranged from their wives and children. Sometimes it is blamed upon men not being able to communicate emotionally with other people, but men are very capable of such communication if they have the opportunity to do so. At times social norms about male behaviour have inhibited such communication - norms such as the old one of the 'stiff upper lip'. But men in general, at least in the Western world, have also for a long time been on the receiving end of 'toxic masculinity' indoctrination, which is also psychologically undermining. It is important for men to overcome any culturally indoctrinated discomfort or self-hatred about being men. (Such feelings are these days leading some adolescent lads to believe they should change sex, and they then go through the 'transitioning' process, very much regretting this later.)
I always think of Prince Philip's "Oh just get on with it!" Alpha male stoicism that meant Gordonstoun was perfect for him but a disaster for his much more sensitive eldest son. And the late queen's tendency to just ignore anything unpleasant - her famous ostrich tendency. And I feel Charles' whole life can be summed up in trying to get his father's approval and always failing. Hence the very reckless polo games that produced many injuries including a permanent and serious back injury that still plagues him because - God forbid - his father should see him as a wimp.
Poor Diana hoping for her mother-in-law's help with her husband's infidelity and drawing a complete blank because the Queen had turned a blind eye to far more mistresses in her own marriage and expected Diana to do the same.
No wonder Charles ended up turning to some rather dubious father substitutes like the old fraud Lauren's van der Post.
I don't know why we Brits have such a horror of expressing vulnerability or open affection but the suicide statistics are truly sobering.
Camilla is the best thing that ever happened to Charles because she gives him all the love, encouragement and sympathy he clearly needs to flourish. He is - late in life - finally a truly happy man.
Michael, society has changed, and many of the things that your dad and grandad enjoyed doing are, regrettably, dying out. What’s more, if you’re upwardly mobile and moving around for work, you’re going to lose touch with people – real touch, that is, rather than the social media substitute. I’m sorry, that’s inevitable - not just for you, but for us all.
What you need to do is count your many blessings, concentrate on enjoying life with your family, get yourself off social media (apart from Paul Embery’s Substack), and make time to do a little bit of whatever you enjoy.
And, most importantly of all, don’t go overthinking the human world which we inhabit. Yes, we can all use our time positively, by learning new things or trying to make other people happy, but in the grand scheme of the Universe, we are little more important than grains of sand.
Finally, remember this…
The older one gets, the quicker time goes, so do your best to enjoy every moment, starting from now. I know, it's not always possible but it doesn't hurt to try because, unless the Hindus are right about reincarnation, we’re a long time gone.